Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
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What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
they finally got him. they got macavity
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
If this doughnut and ice cream are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 2001-2003?
I don’t like the person I become when my boss tells me I should be working while at work
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.