Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
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God help the parent* who tries to put a new food on their child’s plate.
*my husband
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
Let a monkey out of the lab and he’ll have a nice day in the park.
Teach a monkey to escape the lab and 43 of the will populate the whole eastern seaboard.
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
🤭😂
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
I’m so glad the internet is like this now.
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
How dare this person in traffic delay me by mere seconds on my way to a location that doesn’t require my immediate presence
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
if i had an evangelical homie i’d be doing this all the time
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.