Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
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Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
Stop it! 😂
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
We could have had frying pans with radios connected to them.
But, no, instead we have all this!
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!