“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
You Might Also Like
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/