“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
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This isn’t going to end well for you.
– me, alone in the house, to the loaf of banana bread on the counter
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
To the lady in the black BMW who stuck up two fingers at me after I beeped at her when pulling out of Waitrose car park just now:
Your Louis Vuitton handbag probably isn’t on your car roof anymore.
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
I bought a container of ice cream and it had a screw on lid. Nobody needs that kind of negativity in their life.
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
I miss childhood because my back didn’t hurt and I didn’t have to make dinner every night
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
if you watch Friday the 13th part 3 backwards, a hockey goalie heals murder victims by walking away from them.
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
Seems legit.
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*