Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
You Might Also Like
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
The most extraordinary thing has just occurred to me.
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
Person: My two year old is grumpier than usual. I think he’s having a growth spurt.
Me, at 33: I think I am too.
“WHAT DEVILRY HAVE YE WROGHT!” I yell at my kid when I discover what he did to my YouTube algorithm
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30