Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
You Might Also Like
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
I’d like to formally apologize to everyone I’ve ever mocked for leaving their holiday lights up all year. You were visionaries, and I am now your disciple.
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
“The weatherman isn’t real!”
-first graders thinking the weatherman is a marvel character
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
pony: is this your card?
me: yes! cool trick!
pony: thanks
me: can you do any others?
pony: *sighs* no
Friend: I feel like half of the country is upset about the election.
Me: (knowing how votes work) slightly less than half.