Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
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Just started an episode of 30 Rock and said to my 4-month old baby “this brand of comedy is important to this family so please pay attention.”
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
If you send a “u up” text late enough, it becomes a sweet “good morning” text
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
As a kid: I can’t wait to stay up late and no one can tell me when to go to bed
Me at 41: ope my fitness device just said it’s bedtime. I better go.
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
If you’re the owner of a feathered chicken suit and you’ve never gotten naked and put it on inside out, get ready for a memorable night.
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
My son just won the Most Unused Napkin award at dinner
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
As a tree surgeon, the hardest part of my job is explaining to a patient they’ll never walk again.
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day