Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?

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me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao

executioner: just sit in the chair


It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”


Girls that are 16 and pregnant look stupid now.. But their kids will move out when they are 34.


socrates: the only thing I know is that I know nothing

me: aw, hey, don’t say that. you know stuff

socrates: no, I meant—

me: if you want I can teach you some things




me: *points* that’s a tree


Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.


Dad: Where were you?

Earth wire: Hanging out with live and Neutral

Dad: You grounded


Pimp My Ride just showed up and turned my Corolla into a barbecue.


Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?

(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)

Me: I have shin splints


WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea


you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now