Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
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Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
Good dog. ❤️
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
this could fix me
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me