@NicCageMatch

Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?

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@DearAuntAbby

If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.

@WorstCassie

Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”

@SwedishCanary

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

@Tommytoughstuff

ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.

@notreallysophie

I’m watching a first date in a cafe, she says her favorite fruits are cherries or strawberries, and he nods knowingly and says “red fruits”

@TheBoydP

Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.

@envydatropic

*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*

Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world

@david8hughes

[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?

@ArfMeasures

WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down

ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*

BEE *depressed* holy shit