Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
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You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
hmmm
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!