“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
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I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
“I am almost there, keep your computer on”, windows updates probably.
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
“are u okay??” No it’s literally Monday every 15 minutes
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
*Hour 3 in the trampoline park*
My oldest has said “watch this” 212 times
My youngest is running wild in a pack of feral six-year-olds
A woman screams in the distance “Jaden, Jaxon”
There is still no bar
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.