“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
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“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
Tickling is the most absurd bodily function.
Here, let me use feathers to completely incapacitate you.
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
Not today. 😅
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
Just so you know, it’s almost impossible to drink coffee while laying down.
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
Sometimes people without kids see a mom out with her kids and are like “wow she makes that look easy” but not me. I come to your cookout with my children and make you say “oh my GOD we are never having children”
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
