Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
You Might Also Like
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
My chess strategy is eating one of your pieces every time you look away.
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
Waking up has backfired on me so many times
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
When younger I would walk up to the counter and the bartender would know me by name. Now it’s my pharmacist.
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking