Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
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A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
Are you guys ready for tomorrow??? It’s gonna be a HUGE day. I hope you’re prepared. I love taco Tuesdays. Gonna eat so many.
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
(To the guy at urinal next to me) You’re doing the right thing. Going here and not in your pants
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
🙂🙃🥹
Fake assault rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out should be called JK-47s
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft