do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
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you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
A couple walks toward me with their dog, a Briard. Of course they want me to ask about the dog. I pretend I don’t speak English.
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
heard that the average person swallows eight spiders in their sleep a year
rookie numbers
my personal best was 49 back in ’11
the secret? look for and eat the spiders while you’re awake
no one ever thinks of that
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
At some point, we need to be conscious of what kind of world we’re leaving behind for our limited edition beanie babies.
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
I send people away….far…far…away (I’m a travel agent)
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle