do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
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this has to be peak English
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
Me: See that guy right there? I met him in the 6th grade.
10: When there were dinosaurs?
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
Love when a doctor emails me about my “outstanding bill” if it’s so good why don’t YOU pay it
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.