do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
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[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
Money is the root of all wealth
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
The way I describe twitter to people is there is a lot of politics but you can just follow an account that is entirely from a moustache’s perspective instead if you want to.
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*