Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
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YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
I’m dead 😂😂😂😂😂
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
in 3 months
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
you know what ruined my childhood? children
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you have an extra hour to think about it.
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
Be the one that gets asked to remove the hockey mask, during a conference call, on Friday the 13th.
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro