Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
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FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
I’m giving up for Lent.
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
Great news my neighbor just pedaled by on a road bike wearing spandex and when I waved at him he made finger guns so I’m no longer the least cool neighbor on my street!
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
‘Yes, sir. He’s barricaded himself in. He’s taken two sausages’
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
Not sure why someone would throw this gum in the urinal. It’s not even hard yet
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
Breath mints make me sneeze. No, I don’t need that one back. I have others. Sorry about your eye.
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding