Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
You Might Also Like
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
I’m starting a petition to get abacuses mounted on to all Zimmer Frames. I hope I can count on your support.
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right