Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
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Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
If my kids invented a drink.
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
Unknown people: you aren’t weird you are just being yourself
My gang: bro I know 5 weird people and you are 4 of them
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
I love writing tweets but what I really want to do is direct and produce them
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
I swear to god after this election I’m taking a long break from social media for 2-3 hours
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
catch me on valentine’s day like
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust