Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
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If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.