Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
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Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
This is my pinned tweet
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.