Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A bunch of bras is called a support group.

Thanks for following.

gf: [crying] I love him

gf’s dad: if you love him let him go

gf: [lets go]

me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
m
e
e
e
e
a
n
s

That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.

I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs

The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.

How dare you say I’m crazy on the eve of my cats wedding

Me: *stressed

My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?

Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.

WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff

My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub

If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi

*opens fortune cookie*

“REDACTED”

Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet

Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter

#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed

In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.

Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.

[scrolling hinge while high] am I really to determine the future love of my life by whether or not they put pineapple on pizza

[scrolling hinge while drunk] I see you also like hanging out. do u wanna get matching tattoos

Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge

Sis:

M:

S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high

As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.

him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night

me: yeah they say most people do

him: but they’re usually asleep

me (crunching): semantics semantics

him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth

my powerpoints are getting increasingly desperate as the semester goes on

Him: Don’t make this weird.

Me: Then why am I even here?

Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019

Choose your fighter!

I tried to take a picture of myself in the shower, but my camera kept fogging up.
I have selfie steam issues.

Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”

When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.

Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?

Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry

people who sit in a long line and aren’t ready when it’s their turn, should be sent to the back of the line to think about what they’ve done.

brain: did we get anything done this weekend?

me: no

brain: ok then at least we relaxed

me: somehow also no

I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”

Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended