Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
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My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
😂🤣😂🤣
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.