Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
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[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
Yoda telling a girl she can join the school marching band
March, April May
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
Its a hippotatomus
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
“Done the ad yet?”
“Yes, it’s already up.”
“Great. And you remembered the names of all the dinosaurs?”
“More or less”
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
Meow
You want me to pay attention to the details? The thing the devil is in?
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem