Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
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the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning