Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
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The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
inside you are two wolves
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”