Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea

Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]

Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.

You can now get 100% accurate weather information direct to your smartphone. Simply open the camera app, take a picture of the sky then look at the image.

It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want

I bought 6 apples and without knowing, my gf bought 10 apples. She gave 3 away to our neighbor and honestly I didn’t think this sort of thing actually happened.

COP: where were u between 1 and 2

ME: in a diaper

COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night

ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk

[jaws theme plays]

Me: omg

Shark groom: omg she’s here

Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.

2 years later

Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.

If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.

Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.

—me flirting with a chemist

Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious

Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.

Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.

Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.

And throw them.

Pizza rolls are shaped like little pillows because you’re ready for a nap after eating 50 or 60 of them.

I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way

“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”

– my husband right now, probably

think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem

god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…

“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”

[At astronomy convention]

For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.

8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week

My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”

if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing

me: wanna do something fun?

her: already have plans

me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different

Cannot stop laughing at this

ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²

DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*

Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?

Date:

Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her