Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
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just saw a guy tweet “be a good kitten and behave for daddy” lmao bro have u ever met a cat??
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
The dark side of Canada
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
date: [making small talk over dinner] so what are you looking for?
me: [fingering my soup] i dropped my spoon in
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.