Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
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If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
My grandfather poured his blood, sweat and tears into his career.
Amazing man. Horrible chef.
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
Me: This escape room sucks
My boss: This is a budget meeting…
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
