Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
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[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
It has been 3 years since Monday.
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
who will stop them
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
[my landlord staring at the penguin enclosure] You’re not getting your deposit back
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
[Violently kicking down the door of an elderly care nursing facility]
I NEED VOLUNTEERS TO RUN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.