Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
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Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
When I moved into my new igloo, my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party.
Now I’m homeless.#dadjokes #dadjoke #puns
I was with someone that did mushrooms yesterday that told me they could, like, *hear* sounds and I didn’t have the heart to tell them that’s how I receive sounds too
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
Deer are just ballerina dogs
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
