Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
You Might Also Like
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
You are not alone 💚
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
me: siiiiigh…f#ck these people
boss: you’re not on mute
me: i know.
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
Ya’ll ok with me grating a lil bit of my finger into this cheese for the casserole? Too late.
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
My patience has stretch marks.
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.