Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
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Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
My current wife says she doesn’t like my use of adjectives
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.