Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
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Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
Who did it better?
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
Our son, who lives in Brisbane, fully 10,000 miles out of earshot, has just sent our daughter, who lives under our roof, some bagpipes.
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate