Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
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Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
Best misinterpreted text ever!
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
What personal space?
My dog
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
Choosing the correct font is crucial…
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
I beg you to euthanise me
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
me: dating is hard
me on a date: convicted rainbows go to prisms but it’s usually a light sentence
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
Starting your most incoherent sentence with “put simply” to deflect blame onto the reader
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”