Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
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ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
Talk to me, like lovers do
Judge: You wanted to approach the bench to say that?
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
I’m sorry but every time I see the words “Lord Pickles” I think they’re talking about a very fancy cat.
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
Engagement photo shoots are so funny as a concept. Like girl, we believed you