Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
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I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
Lmao
In a parallel universe, Mariah Carey is doing her shopping and is sick of hearing me on every store’s speaker system.
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
live long and prosper!
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!