Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
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I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
My wife just looked over at me, dreamy look in her eyes, sighed deeply, and said ever so softly, “I love soup.”
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
I can’t deal with men any longer
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
Frankenstein?
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
Absolutely fucking crushed it on teams today lads
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV