Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
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I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
I didn’t understand your joke, but let me give you my angry and confused take on it.
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
BETRAYAL
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.