@envydatropic

Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?

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@elle91

When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.

@Alpot86

I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1

@matt___nelson

[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow

@Shot_Of_Cabo

My daughter found a new boyfriend.
I’m just glad the police haven’t found the old one.

@birbigs

if aliens show up and they’re nice, we’ll take them captive. and if they’re mean, they’ll take us captive. anyway, happy thanksgiving.

@anerdonfire2

It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in

@Dadpression

“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers