Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
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My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.