My washing machine is broken so I had to wear my high school band uniform to work today
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
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Just when I manage to convince myself that I am a superior and more intelligent being, I walk into a door.
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?
Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.