@envydatropic

Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?

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@duunk

jus found out the B in lgtbq+ stands for Bisexual & not Bible … losing hope in humanity .. but i still feel safe knowing the L stands for Lord .. the G .. for God .. the T for The catholic church .. and the Q for Quality time praying

@djdarrellripley

Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.

Me: You have other pants and you wore those?

@Junk_Boat

Wow she actually noticed me!

Time to pick a different tree.

@Jake_Vig

My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.

@totmessmom

We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.

@cravin4

I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.

It was a vicious cycle.

@Cravin4

Folks are worried about global warming and social security, when the real crisis is that one day elderly drivers will know how to text.

@NoogsCorner

That awkward moment when Batman opens the condom compartment instead of the Batarang compartment in his utility belt.