@envydatropic

Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?

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@EtobicokeErnie

My washing machine is broken so I had to wear my high school band uniform to work today

@Moldy_Jellybean

Just when I manage to convince myself that I am a superior and more intelligent being, I walk into a door.

@AskBellaWagner

When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.

@HispanicIcon

I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.

@AimeeHelene1

Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.

@WheelTod

“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.

@BruceForce

My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes

@WhatsAGreenhorn

Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off

@ArfMeasures

[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?

Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no

@Jandalize

If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.