Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
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dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
Instead of “Take Your Child To Work Day” there should be a “Take Your Therapist To Work Day” so they can see exactly what you’ve been talking about
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
If I die my ghost better come back and do some laundry so I have some clean sheets to wear
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.