Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
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The next James Bond should be weird. Like he wears a train conductor’s hat and he’s afraid of balloons
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
No one is more surprised than my kids every night when i say it’s bed time.
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
If we’re not supposed to be snacking late at night why is there a light in the fridge