I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
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ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
Accurate
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.