Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
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Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
8: I wrote my list for Santa
Me: aren’t you going to ask how he is before you launch into your list of demands?
8: P.S. so…. how’s it going?
Me: perfect
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
blocking someone isn’t enough i want them to be forced to drink orange juice after brushing their teeth
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s texas chainsaw massacre.
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?