@AmishPornStar1

Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?

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@theycallmehcat

Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.

@donttouchjames

what if peach and bowser were married the whole time and we were really just controlling a paranoid schizophrenic plumber trying to kidnap his old highschool girlfriend

@copymama

Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.

@mantej

In an alternate universe somewhere, all the ducks are making white girl faces.

@KWalps

Me: welcome to my painting podcast

[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]

Me: it’s a mountain

@moose_chocolate

Music star Kenny Rogers announced his retirement yesterday.

In other news, Kenny Rogers is still alive, apparently.

@SoulYodeler

Omg I’m so thirsty-

*Kool-Aid Man busts through wall* OH YEAHH

*Sugar-free zero calorie Kool-Aid Man jiggles door handle* LITTLE HELP HERE

@StickyickyBuns

My mom always told me to treat people how I want to be treated but… It’s not nice to just spank people & pull their hair.

@thwphipps

the word ‘freelancer’ originally came from medieval knights who would kill evildoers for the king and THEN NOT GET PAID FOR EIGHT MONTHS