Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
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I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
Stop.
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll