Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.

My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”

*Takes drive down memory lane

*Gets a DUI

how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing

[First Date]

I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.

[Second Date]

*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*

Expecting Parents,

PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.

Sincerely,
Marlana

poor people rarely die from ski related injuries

Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.

[10:06pm]

13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.

Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.

13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.

[at bank]

Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island

Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up

GOD: *invents mouse* I like it

MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha

GOD: *invents cat*

I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.

Called in, “Car’s in the shop, so I’m taking the treadmill this morning. It’s taking forever.”

so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not

omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺

*bolts upright in bed..

If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?

There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.

Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?

I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it

(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this

Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.

Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.

My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”

Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.

And now someone’s texting him.

If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.

Terribly Tuesday.

‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.

Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?

Me: I got fired?

Every
Single
Year