Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: Don’t leave knives out near the kitchen door. What if a burglar broke in and used it?
Me *patiently explains why this is ridiculous*

[later]
Me *being stabbed to death by burglar using our kitchen knife* “please dont! Use something else! Anything else!”

You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?

-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.

“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*

When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician

i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either

*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*

Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.

them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT

me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t

gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes

If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave

All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”

[princess gets captured in a castle]

[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]

Watching the news and they keep referring to the “late president Carter.” Let’s cut the guy some slack, how do you expect him to get anywhere on time? He’s dead!!

Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale

Wife: it’s adorable

Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS

This is amazing.

I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.

I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.

[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL

*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.

I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.

in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting

Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything

Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.

How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons

Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.

After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”

My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm

I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you

think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem

*takes an exam in a coffin*

*passes*

Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.

My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.

*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…

“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”

SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.