Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
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Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
Friends that check up on you >
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.