Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.

when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight

GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!

ME: It
…

was
…

nice
…

knowing
…

you

Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?

I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.

They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.

When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.

reasons my cat is yowling:

-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen

Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain

I used to have dreams.

Now I have Doritos.

If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.

Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.

i’d rather hurl myself into an active volcano

-me politely declining dates

[Plays air guitar]

[Dodges air panties]

Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you

Dung beetle: what’s the good news

Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans

Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?

Evolution: well

You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.

But it was nice of you.

The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?

I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.

I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.

It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.

Really bruh?

The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.

[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]

14: it smells like chores in here

How to parallel park:

1) Park somewhere else.

I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.

My husband just walked in the bedroom and said “love of my life look alike contest… you already won” lmfao

Me: Will you marry me?

Girlfriend: No.

Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.

If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?

[first day as Uber driver]

ME: *weaving through traffic*

PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?