Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
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Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.