Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
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Time for evil
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
i spent way too long on this
Saw online –
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
Mom: did you get an A on your spanish test
Me: C
Mom: okay mr mexico 🤩
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
her: i’m leaving you.
me: is it because i’ve been ignoring you to teach the chicken how to skateboard
her: YES
me: *through tears* you never believed in Tony Bawk
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
Attending multiple open houses today… I’m going to walk into every empty room and ask “now does this come with the place?”
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
me: hi do you take walk-ins?
groundskeeper at the cemetery: what?
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.