Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
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8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
The ideal marriage is when your spouse runs the worm unit
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
Picking up women at the bar and then gently setting them down
My real name is maybe one of the top 5 whitest names ever invented and I just picked up my online order at a KFC that is deep in the hood where I’m maybe the only white guy within a mile and as soon as I went in they said “Here he is. Thats (my name)” and I lol’d.
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
Me: Makes a Reddit post about my efforts to avoid arguing about politics with my parents over Thanksgiving.
Reddit users: Yeah, but you probably want to argue politics with strangers, right? Because I’m angry about the following things…
Nope, no thank you.
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
Well. That’s not a good sign.
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
