Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
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why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
If my trainee says “on God” one more time, he’s going to meet him
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.