Do robots dream of electric sheep?
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The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
I grew up in a time where your mother’s saliva was the most powerful cleaning agent around.
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
Why is this me 😫
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
Blew my mind.
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)