Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
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I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
sure sex is great for your memory but have you guys ever had sex? i heard it’s great for your memory.
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
It’s on my to-do list.
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.