Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
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*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
The Backseat Boys
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
Don’t forget to set several alarms the first day of school so you remember to pick up the kids
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
What do you call a shoe made out of a banana?
A Slipper
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
these two trucks have the same bed length
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
bros in the example zone 😭
