Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello

Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?

My Husband: Raising three kids

They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body

i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns

Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.

Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school

Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.

My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?

dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*

aaaaaaand scene

My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”

two people or more is called a problem

[job interview]

“Name one of your strengths”

I didn’t stab anyone today

“That’s not-”

Yesterday wasn’t so good tho

Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?

FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.

Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.

The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.

A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.

[Did you mean “digger”?]

me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now

american friend: that’s not a real candy

me: or some yowie bungas

american: what

me: dropbear gobstoppers

american: no

me: cassowary chewies

american: please stop

me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders

Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him

[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?

I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles

I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.

Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were

Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.

I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious

[at a funeral]

*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*

*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?

a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???

This morning around 3am:
“Wooo wooooooo woooooooooooooo”
“Woodtdtdtd Wdtdtdtdtdtdtdt Wdtdtdtdtdtdtdtd”
WTF??!?

The Border Collies figured out that the fan makes their voices sound funny if they Wooo directly through the middle, so guess what they’ve all been doing since 3am.

Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around