do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
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tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
I cannot definitively say, even after all I’ve seen, that I would not visit Jurassic Park
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.