Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tapped in

My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.

Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”

I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.

My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.

This is so me 😂😂

The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.

Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie

[Driving w/date in car]

Date [turns radio to country]

Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]

Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!

*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*

Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet

The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun

People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing

pain

My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.

my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,

There are 2 kinds of parents

“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”

and

“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”

Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no

20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels

…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.

The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.

It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.

For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.

If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.

My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.

[On the way home from school pick-up]

Me: So, what did you do at school today?

9: I burned down everything that exists.

5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?

9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.

Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related

Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.

Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.

Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high

Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*