do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
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what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”