Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
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We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
Botany good plants lately?
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
nothing saves money like being antisocial
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded