Do something that scares you every single day.
And you’ll probably die of a heart attack in a week.


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My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.


You can lead a teenager to the dishwasher, but you can’t make him load it.


kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again


Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.


It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in


*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions


Wow howl of winter 😍😍


It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.


Wife: Your PMS jokes aren’t funny.
Me: I can’t help it, they just flow out of my mouth.
Wife: …
Me: Fine. No more. Period.
Wife: *eyeroll*


Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia