I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
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Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
I’m a self-made hundredaire
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses