@not_delicate

Do something that scares you every single day.
And you’ll probably die of a heart attack in a week.

*inspirational

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@Cheeseboy22

My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.

@Fickle_Filly

You can lead a teenager to the dishwasher, but you can’t make him load it.

@carbsley

kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again

@torrami

Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.

@InternetHippo

It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in

@MrSpoonicorn

*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions

@MrWaqasAkram

Wow howl of winter 😍😍
#WTI
#اچھے_الفاظ
@Tayyaba__94
@TayyabaWaqas94
https://t.co/yFA0E1lbDX

@jjax44

It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.

@JWilsonGA

Wife: Your PMS jokes aren’t funny.
Me: I can’t help it, they just flow out of my mouth.
Wife: …
Me: Fine. No more. Period.
Wife: *eyeroll*

@AntozWolf

Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia