@not_delicate

Do something that scares you every single day.
And you’ll probably die of a heart attack in a week.

*inspirational

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@BigFatNothing

*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.

@lawking30

Making NSA work hard today: just left vm for Senator saying, “drop-off done” & then made a hair appointment at a salon in Lahore, Pakistan.

@2questionable

Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”

After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”

@FinallyHeSleeps

I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.

@delsinsfire

There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD

1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II

2) Smork Dirtbag

@djdarrellripley

I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?

@rodeoman

help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me

@50FirstTates

friend: i am going to Imagine Dragons this weekend

me [can imagine dragons whenever i want]: nice

@UncleDuke1969

The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.