Do something that scares you every single day.
And you’ll probably die of a heart attack in a week.


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*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.


Making NSA work hard today: just left vm for Senator saying, “drop-off done” & then made a hair appointment at a salon in Lahore, Pakistan.


Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”

After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”


I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.


There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD

1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II

2) Smork Dirtbag


I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?


help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me


friend: i am going to Imagine Dragons this weekend

me [can imagine dragons whenever i want]: nice


The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.