Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
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The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
This girl has such star power. She so clearly exemplifies the disgust in this image & pulls the emotional weight for her less-committed peers imo
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.